


You know I want you (it's not a secret I try to hide)

by saturndust



Series: Bemily Week 2018 [7]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Heavy Angst, Mutual Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-03 21:55:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14005638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturndust/pseuds/saturndust
Summary: Bemily week day 7. I'm so sorry about this tragedy.





	You know I want you (it's not a secret I try to hide)

The water was still, lifeless and calm as Beca exhaled through her teeth, creating a sharp whistling sound that echoed in the deafening silence that enclosed her empty surroundings. Her legs were crossed under her like a prep school girl's as she sat, looking at the stillness of the water. Everything in that moment felt still and lifeless. 

"Stupid." She muttered bitterly, breaking the thick silence. "Stupid." She repeated like a mantra to herself, wanting to drown herself in the water. 

It was so _stupid_  of her to love Emily Junk. Emily Junk who is so perfect, innocent and beautiful; something Beca could so easily fuck up with her bullshit. Emily who is the brightest and happiest person Beca has ever met in her life; she knows that her unrequited feelings will destroy that and destroying Emily Junk is far from the last thing she'd ever want to do. Emily Junk who has a fucking boyfriend whom she is _madly in love with_. 

Beca places her head in her hands, rubbing her temples with her thumbs and breathing out a shaky breath. And when the first tear rolls down her cheek she scoffs, it's shaky and fragile but she still laughs bitterly that she's _crying_  over such a stupid thing. Of course Emily doesn't love her, why on earth would she ever. 

As Beca exhales shakily, feeling like she's falling apart over these stupid fucking feelings, her breaths turning into fog before her eyes. 

"You okay?" This kind voice breaks the solitude that's around her and Beca haphazardly wipes away tears with the back of her hand, turning to meet Emily's warm, kind brown eyes. 

_"Fuck."_ Resonates in her head as she locks eyes with the very girl causing her all this god damn pain and she knows she needs to not fuck this up because Emily is so perfect and Beca can't, under any circumstances, be selfish and ruin her. 

"Y-yeah. Fine, don't worry." She dismisses, a weak smile on her face. 

"You're not." Emily states, sitting down next to the shorter brunette and bringing her knees up to her chest, arms wrapped around them. "Beca," Emily reaches out to take the blue eyed girl's hand gently, "you can talk to me, you know that right?" She whispers and because sounds so concerned and genuine it makes Beca ache and grow more frustrated; Emily cares _so fucking much_  and that's one of the reasons she loves her. 

"I know." Beca sighs, brushing her hair back behind her ear. "I trust you, Legacy. I just... I can't tell you this." She breathes, not knowing what to do or say because all she can focus on is Emily's warm hands holding her small cold ones tightly and she never wants Emily to let go. And the fact that Emily is so close and her eyes are deep and brown and Beca's certain that Emily is the most beautiful person she's seen in her life. 

"Why not?" Emily asks, a little hurt but still understanding. "You don't have to tell me though, just know that if/when you want to tell me... I'm always here to listen." 

"No." Beca whispers inaudibly that Emily struggles to catch what she said. "Please don't say that." Beca's voice does not rise from a whisper and Emily hears her voice growing so shaky and fragile; Emily doesn't understand what she did wrong but hates the fact she hurt Beca.

"Beca, I'm sorry." Emily apologises, for what, she doesn't know but she's still apologetic. "I didn't mean - I just wanted to tell you that I'm here for you. I care about you, please know that." She whispers, voice so emotive and sincere that Beca almost laughs in bitterness but if she opens her mouth she knows she won't be able to stop the crying.

Instead Beca nods, refusing to meet the younger girl's gaze. The truth hangs over her head like a sword dangling by a thin string, snapping at even the lightest flick.

"Beca." Emily's voice is warm and Beca can see her words becoming fog in her peripheral vision. Beca then feels Emily's fingers tucked under her chin, turning Beca's face. "You don't have to talk because I'd never force you to tell me anything. So please listen... I care about you, so if you're hurting you'd tell me right?" 

Beca looks at her and nods yet Emily doesn't remove her fingers from under Beca's chin. Beca can feel Emily's breath on her face and see's Emily lips tilt up in the smallest yet most comforting smile. Beca thinks Emily looks so beautiful in the moment: moonlight highlighting her face in the dark, brown eyes dark and mysterious, seeming to sparkle in that moment, waves of brown hair falling in her face slightly as she smiles that tiny smile that makes Beca's blood pump faster and she can feel her heart in her mouth. 

And then Beca's not thinking because she's leaned forward and is kissing Emily. And Emily doesn't pull back, instead she sucks in a breath before kissing back so gently it's almost as if her lips aren't even there. Emily kisses so gracefully, unlike the girl's clumsy nature, and so lovingly: projecting all her emotions flawlessly through her actions. Beca kisses so contentedly and almost hesitantly, one hand on Emily's knee and the other on the back of her neck, trying to kiss her deeper. 

Then Emily tenses and pulls back, slowly and pulling Beca's bottom lip out before letting go with her teeth. And Beca looks at her with these distraught blue eyes and Emily feels like she's about to cry and she doesn't know why. 

"I - I'm sorry." Emily whispers, so tentative and delicate like she's trying not to walk on invisible shattered glass that's littered the floor and the string holding the sword has snapped. 

"I shouldn't have done that." Beca whispers, so angry at herself. "You're with Benji and I'm not a homewrecker and... I'm so fucking stupid and selfish. Fucks sake." And Beca's laugh is so bitter yet still trembles like a vase that's about to crash and break in a second. 

"I just don't want to hurt Benji because I care about him." Emily replies. "I shouldn't have kissed you back, it's my fault."

"No, Em. I kissed you _knowing_ you had a boyfriend and that was such a dick move... I just... I love you and I don't think I can stop loving you." Beca's voice has steadied but her heart is pounding like a Judge's gavel, waiting for Emily's verdict. Beca's wringing her hands like a criminal at the stand as Emily refuses to meet her gaze. 

"I'm so sorry, Beca." Emily replies. "I can't hurt Benji. But I don't want to hurt you either... Plus I just... I care about both of you. But my feelings for both of you are different." Emily looks up at Beca with guilty eyes, begging her to forgive her and tears welling in those adorable doe eyes and Beca, despite her heart having just been shattered, nods. 

"Don't apologise, you can't control feelings, Em." She murmurs, voice dry. She then begins to stand up. "I just need to think, I'll see you back at the house." She gives Emily the briefest weakest smile before turning on her heel and walking away. 

"Beca..." Emily whispers but the girl doesn't turn. "I do love you." The words are lost in the cold midnight air. 

____________________

Weeks have gone by since the exchange and neither girl can look at each other. Whenever Emily tries to initiate a conversation Beca makes a shitty excuse, brushing her off and running away from her problems instead of facing them. The worlds have come along and Beca just can't stop looking at Emily as she sips her starbucks. The other girls are all chatting and discussing how excited they are and all Beca can do is look at the damn girl she can't stop thinking about and staring at even though she has it written as unrequited she puts herself through this torture willingly by not being able to get over her. 

And Emily looks just as beautiful as ever with her brown hair sitting in its natural waves and her bottom lip being caught under her front teeth that Beca swears is both adorable yet hot at the same time. 

"Hey guys!" Beca looks up suddenly and sees Jesse and Benji walking into the hotel. The other girls greet the boys as Beca suddenly feels her heart ache when Emily goes to greet her boyfriend. Beca stands up and mutters something about feeling ill to Flo and darting for the lifts. 

She throws open her room door and slams it shut, her back hitting ut as she slides down it, tears flowing freely and she just feels so stupid for having these damn feelings and for stupidly kissing Emily that night when she knew Emily could never love her back. Beca buries her face in her palms and sobs heavily, her entire petite frame shaking as she sits slumped against the door.

"Beca?" She hears Emily's distinct voice through the door, the same disgustingly concerned tone from _that night_  and it makes Beca break even more. 

"Y-yeah." Beca sniffs, trying to regain her composure whilst still sat on the floor. 

"Flo said you weren't feeling well so I came up to check on you." Emily explains, knowing it's best not to go in as Beca needed space and she respected that. "Do you feel nauseous as i can get someone or get you some water?" Beca chuckles, heart still growing warm at the younger girl's excessive care for others - another favourite quality.

"I'm fine. Just lying down." Beca replies, lying through her teeth with such ease. Then she hears the sound of fabric sliding down the door and a silhouette of someone sat on the floor from the crack under the door. 

"Then why do you sound like you're right on the other side of the door?" Emily giggles and Beca laughs, sighing and lifting her head up from her hands, setting it back against the door with a gentle thud. 

"Can't get anything past you, can I?" Beca laughs and she hears Emily's beautiful bright giggle.

"Nope." Emily replies. The two grow silent. "Do you want me to go?" Emily asks, hesitant.

"No." Beca answers all too quickly. "Please stay." She says and she doesn't mean for it to sound so fragile but there it was. And then Beca notices Emily's long, dainty fingers poking out from the crack under the door. 

Beca smiles, gently touching Emily's fingers and letting their pinkies entwine, the door having a gap wide enough for Emily to fit almost all of her fingers through - perhaps a little concerning but that wasn't important now. 

The two sit there in this comfortable silence before Emily starts to hum, normally beca hates that attribute but right now (and because it's Emily) she shuts her eyes and listens to Emily hum out the tune of 'the Scientist' by Coldplay gently. 

"Beca, Stacie is calling so I have to go." Emily mentions and Beca shrugs before remembering Emily can't see her. 

"It's fine, don't worry. I'm just going to drink some water and I'll be back downstairs." Beca explained. Then Emily retracted her fingers, Beca immediately missed the contact albeit minimal and through a door. 

"Promise me this though." Emily sys before leaving and Beca hums. There's a pause. "Tell me right after worlds, okay?" 

"Okay." Beca breathes. 

____________________

The worlds are over, Beca turns to hug Emily after they've won, to congratulate her and thank her for her song that made them win and... Benji has somehow gotten his arms around Emily, hugging her tight. Beca's heart collapses. Yet she seems to have no time to dwell in heartbreak as all the Bella's are hugging her and cheering. So Beca plasters on a fake smile for now; her heart chips though every time she catches Emily and Benji in her peripheral. 

So she's then excusing herself when Benji whispers something in Emily's ear that makes her giggle and grin this beautiful smile that Beca wishes Emily was giving her - not him. For the third time now Beca is running away and whilst it's become routinal at this point it doesn't hurt any less than the first time. 

And as Beca runs out into the street and crying. The tears are endless and flooding down her face like a waterfall. She's so blinded by her tears and her mind is clouded with heartbreak.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I'm so stupid to think she'd ever love me._

And Beca is so caught-up that she doesn't see the bright headlights speeding towards her and she doesn't feel the impact of the car hitting her till she's on the tarmac; her blood is everywhere and she's desperately gasping for air, seeing flickers of red and blue and hearing resounding screams of what she thinks are familiar voices before everything's gone black. 

____________________

"Beca Mitchell?" All 10 girls stand up and the doctor motions them forward. "She has had severe blood loss and several broken bones. She's currently in a coma as the car capsized, crushing her. So you can understand why it's so severe." She explains gravely. "It's up to Beca now whether she wakes up or not... but with the injuries we doubt it will come with ease." The Bella's nod, all restraining their tears. Chloe's the first one to break, Stacie running to hold her girlfriend. Aubrey and Amy are next, holding each other whilst Aubrey clings to Chloe's hand like an anchor. Then the others follow, Flo and Cynthia Rose holding each other's hands and Jessica sobbing into Ashley's shoulder as Lily cries silently to herself. 

Emily is sobbing, head in her hands because the girl she loves could never wake up and it's all her fault. _"Right after worlds, okay?"_

_"Okay."_ Was Beca's soft spoken response and, if she doesn't wake up, would be her last words to Emily. 

_"Where did Beca go?" Emily asked, searching the Bella's for the petite brunette._

_"She just bolted out the door." Ashley stated._

_"She didn't look too well. Maybe after shock?"  Flo offered but Emily was already going out the door Beca had ran out of earlier._

_"Beca?" Emily called before stepping outside. She spotted her, hearing the Bella's follow her, and was about to call her name again. Then she noticed the hurtling of the car and how Beca seemed to make no effort the move. "Beca!" Emily calls, about to run to push her out the way before feeling Aubrey grab her arm. "Beca!" Emily screams as the car collides with her._

_Emily fell to her knees, screaming as someone yelled to call an ambulance. And as Emily saw the sight of Beca's tiny frame being crushed under that car she felt her heart being ripped out._

"You can each go in to see her individually." Dr. White explains. "Try talk to her, she can hear you and understand you. But there's no guarantee she'll wake up." 

Chloe goes first and all the other Bella's take their turns to see her - but not Emily. Emily knows that if she goes in there and sees Beca all fragile and barely clinging to life she'll break but that's selfish of her because Beca needs her and she needs to see Beca. 

Eventually Emily goes in and Beca's lying there, cuts on her face and a bruise on her forehead, the top of her head wrapped in bandages and lying so still, lifelessly like the water on that night, that god damn night. Yet Beca still looks so beautiful, so peaceful yet so beautiful. Sunlight illuminating her face and her brown hair having the blood washed out of it and lying damp and curly on her pillow. 

"Hey." Emily started, closing the door behind her, trying to keep her voice light. "I know I'm usually full of things to say... but honestly I don't know what I can say to you." Emily sighed, holding back the tears. "I promised I wouldn't cry so I'll try my best... but before i say anything else... please wake up Beca." Emily choked her sob back and gently held Beca's bruised hand. "I can't bear that your last memory of me will be you thinking I don't love you because _I do_. I love you so much Beca it hurts. I broke up with Benji, I don't know why I didn't say so a month ago... I was scared you hated me... maybe you do. I would hate me." Emily looks at her and wipes the tears away. 

"I don't think I could go another day without seeing your beautiful blue eyes again Beca. Or hear your laugh or some sarcastic comment." Emily pauses. "I don't want your last words to me to be an unfinished conversation, and I doubt you do either; you always hated cliffhangers. So please _please_  wake up." Emily whispers, stroking Beca's lifeless hand. "If not for me then for the Bella's because they love you, they're your family. But just know that I love you. And I don't think I'll ever stop. I can't imagine my life without you." 

Beca lies still, not moving at all. 

Emily has run out of words so she does only what she knows best: sings. 

_"What if we rewrite the stars?_

_Say you were made to be mine_

_Nothing could keep us apart_

_You'd be the one I was meant to find_

_It's up to you, and it's up to me_

_No one can say what we get to be_

_So why don't we rewrite the stars?_

_Maybe the world could be ours  
_

_Tonight."_

Her voice is this shaky whisper as she holds Beca's hand, waiting for some form of life to be expressed through the tiny brunette. Emily then finally lets out a sob and lets the tears run free, kissing Beca's hand and putting her forehead on the hospital bed. Waiting. 

Waiting.

_"Okay Em."_ The memory of Beca's voice reverberates in Emily's head as she waits for something that might just never come. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yell at me about this shit-fest on my tumblr bechemilacies if you feel like it.


End file.
